FUCK YOU LIKE THE DEVIL ₪ ø lll ·o.

Angst & Peace

I suddenly feel cold. Even though the pain is ebbing away, I’m so scared for my baby. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to it just because I was horny.

I fetch my BlackBerry off my nightstand and call my doctor’s office. After explaining to the girl that answers the telephone my problem, she gets Dr. Bennett on the phone. Fear chokes me while I tell the story again, but she manages to calm me down.

“You’re saying that the pain is already subsiding?”

“Yes.”

“That can happen during sexual intercourse in a pregnancy, you probably just hit a sore spot outside of the uterus, so it started bleeding. It’s quiet common. Don’t worry about it. If you want to make sure, we could schedule you for an ultrasound tomorrow, but it’s not really necessary.”

I release my held breath and let myself fall down on the bed. Relief washes over me, almost making me cry.

“Yes, I’d like to make sure, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, is 11.30 fine for you?”

“Yes, thank you very much.”

“Have a nice evening, Maggie!”

“Thanks, you too.”

I end the call and drop my phone next to me. I rub my belly.

“We didn’t want to disturb you… Mommy and Daddy are so sorry!” I tell my bump.

Jared’s shocked face creeps back into my mind. I hug myself, I feel so sorry for him. If his imagination is just half as vivid as mine, he’s going through hell right now. I need to find him to tell him that everything is alright.

I grab my panties off the ground and put them back on, my pants follow soon after. I righten my blouse before I leave the room. I walk through the house, checking every room for Jared but he’s nowhere to be found. When I reach the studio I’ve been everywhere else. I open the door and walk up the stairs, but he’s not here. The booth and the computer are deserted. I feel as if I’m not supposed to be in here, so I turn around and leave again.

I stand in the room that adjoins the studio and don’t know where to go next. I didn’t hear a car leave, so I assume he’s still here, unless he walked away. I pull my phone out of my pocket and try calling him but as soon as the number is dialed, a ring halls through the room. His phone lies on one of the desks. I walk over to it and end my call when I see him. He sits outside at the pool, shirtless, his calves in the water but he didn’t pull up his pants. It’s kinda cold outside, even for late October, only 55 degrees. He must be freezing.

I open the door and step outside. He just keeps staring into the water. I sit down next to him and put my arms around him. He looks at me and frowns. I think he cried before. “Don’t you want to go to the hospital?”

I shake my head. “I called the doctor and she said that it’s completely normal and can happen to anybody. I’m seeing her tomorrow the make sure. It already stopped bleeding.”

He stares at me, desperation written on his face. I caress his features, trying to get that look off his face. “It’s okay, baby, nothing happened. Please don’t worry.”

He shakes his head slowly. “I can’t do it…” he whispers. “I’ll hurt you, and I’ll the hurt the baby… I’m bad for you.”

I look him in his blue tormented eyes and tears start to pool in mine.

“No! It wasn’t your fault… You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t think that way of yourself.”

“Maggie, that’s what I always do. I’ll end up hurting you or the child. It’s only a matter of time. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet.” He looks down on his hands, trying to avoid my gaze.

“That’s because you changed, Jared! I love you so much, what could you possibly do to drive me away?”

He looks up to me and I see tears in his eyes. My chest tightens. I can’t bear to see him cry, to see him that unhappy and broken.

“What if I hurt the baby? If I play too rough and I hurt it? Or, even worse, what if I feel the need to hurt it?”

My heart stops. I feel how the air leaves my lungs. I can’t tear my eyes away.

“Have you ever…” I can’t even say it.

He shakes his head. “No. But see, I love you, but I still feel the need to cause you physical pain in bed. I just…”

“Yes, in bed! That’s something sexual, Jared!” I interrupt him. I don’t even want to finish that thought. “I mean, you love your mom and Shannon, you don’t hurt them, do you?”

He stares at me, his mouth wide open. “No, I… I don’t.”

I feel how relief takes over my body. “That’s because you feel a different kind of love for them than you feel for me, just as you won’t love the baby in the way you love me.”

“I… I guess you’re right…” He shakes his head. “But I might do something else that’s stupid and that’s hurting you…”

I frown. “So, what you’re saying is that you’d rather stop being with me now in case you’ll hurt me sometime in the future? You’d rather hurt me by breaking up with me right now?” I feel the tears well up. I can’t believe he’s actually saying that.

He keeps quiet. He doesn’t even look at me. Tears roll down my face now.

“Not even two hours ago you said you can’t live without me. And now you can?”

He looks up to me. He looks so sad. “No. But I think you’re both better off without me.”

“How?!” I yell. I’m getting angry. “A broken-hearted single mom? You’re the world to me, Jared.” I take his face into my hands stare into his eyes.

“How will I be better off without the man I love, how will our child be better off without its father?” I take a deep breath. “I can’t live without you either. And I don’t want to live without you ever again!”

He slowly puts his arms around me. “Are you sure?” he whispers.

I nod. He pulls me close and rests his forehead against mine. “I love you so much… I just don’t want to see you cry anymore.”

I smile. “I know, I cry too much.”

“No. I make you cry too much.”

Our lips connect and I feel all of today’s tension leave my body. All I want to do for the rest of the day is stay right here with Jared.

I pull on his lower lip and hum in agreement when his lips leave my mouth and find the sensitive spot below my ear.

I start shivering. I haven’t realized how cold it is, and my sleeveless blouse is not made for this weather.

“Are you cold?” he asks against my skin.

I nod.

“Me too. Let’s shower.”

I nod again, and he picks me up without saying another word. I put my arms around his neck. He manages to open the door and I close it again with my foot. He carries me up the stairs and doesn’t set me down until we’ve reached the bathroom door.

With a smile, he pulls on the end of the bow and it opens up. He pushes the blouse over my head and drops it to the floor. He helps me to take off his shirt and it joins my blouse. Our lips touch again and he walks me inside the bathroom. I open up his pants and let them fall to the floor. His not wearing underwear…He pulls my pants down as well and, to my big surprise, presses his lips against my belly.

“Daddy’s so sorry…” Jared whispers. A big smile spreads across my face. He seems to have made peace with his demons for now. I run my fingers through his hair. I’m so happy right now.

“But now you have to close your eyes, cause Daddy is going to do naughty things to Mommy, okay?”

“Jared!” I scold him, but I have to stifle my laughter.

“What? Do you want it to witness that?” he laughs.

“Oh come here, you…” I pull him up to meet my lips and while we kiss he lets my panties drop to the floor.

Together we’re undoing my bra and after it joins the rest of our clothing, he turns on the water in the shower and pulls me in.

The warm water feels good on my skin, it makes my muscles relax and washes off the dirt and sweat of the long day.

Jared pulls me into his embrace and together we just stand under the water stream. My head rests on his chest and he has his chin on my head. I wish we could stay like this forever. Just stay here, and never move. I feel as if I’ve been running all day and when we talked earlier I fell, but landed softly. Now I’m emotionally tired, but satisfied.

Jared pours some shampoo onto my hair and starts massaging it in. He works his magical hands over my scalp and then down my lengths. When he’s satisfied, he takes my sponge and puts my coconut bodywash on it. Starting at my neck, he washes my entire body, my boobs, my belly, my arms, my legs… I just stand there and enjoy his soft movements over my skin. When he’s done, he hands me the sponge and I wash it out just to pour some of his own bodywash on it and do the same thing for him. He watches me intently and when I’m done, I lather his hair in soap. I put it up in a bun for him and giggle at the sight of that. He smiles and puts both of us back under the water. We just let it wash over us, eyes closed, arms around each other.

We stand like that for what seems like forever, until I turn off the water. I step out of the shower and pull him by his hand behind me. He wraps us into a big towel and starts drying us off. When he dries my face, he follows the towel with his lips.

“You’re so beautiful… I love you so much!”